I turn 40 today. Wow. In my 20s, I remember thinking this day was so far into the future, yet it has come around in a flash.

So how do I feel about entering this milestone in life? I enjoy having more wisdom and I’m now more sure of myself as a person as well as what I want (and not want). Two weeks ago, a colleague asked me why I didn’t sign up for the mentoring programme that was being rolled out. This programme called for people to sign up as both as mentor and/or mentee as part of a career development initiative that is being piloted by the business line I’m in. My colleague was tasked by the programme’s director to ask me why I didn’t sign up; they are trying to find ways for the women in the company to develop so they can move up the career ladder and reduce the gender disparity in senior roles.

I told my colleague I didn’t sign up because I didn’t see the need for it due to three reasons: (1) I’m no longer in my 20s and I know what I want and what direction I want to head towards. (2) I already work with all the senior leaders in the team during the normal course of my work and am being mentored on an informal basis as a result. I think that’s a better and less contrived way of being mentored. (3) I know I have already hit the career ceiling as far as this company is concerned. This is because mine is a niche role which doesn’t have the career trajectory that other roles have. Therefore it’s a matter of whether I want to stay on and cruise along or continue to look out for greener pastures to graze in. Anyway, I’m not looking to climb the corporate ladder and I’m fine with being where I am. Not everyone is cut out to be a general; soldiers are needed to support the general too. I’m one of those who makes a good soldier.

I’m grateful for many things in my life – family, close friends, good health, as well as the opportunity to have lived in different cities and travelled to over 40 countries. I have always wanted to see the world and I think I have managed to see quite a bit, though there are still many places I want to visit! Through my travels I have seen the many different ways one can live life. People in developing countries, especially, make do with a lot less material possessions but I think they are often more easily contented with life’s simple pleasures.

After living away from Singapore for close to 10 years, I still consider Singapore home. It’s where my family and closest friends are and I now know for sure that I want to return to Singapore. What made me come to a firm decision was the fact that I realised I have no close friends to celebrate my 40th birthday with – I thought that was just tragic. Perhaps it’s to do with age. But at this point in my life I have no energy to build a social network from scratch. Building a social network requires time and depth with people, but it hasn’t been that easy to get that in Sydney as compared to Hong Kong. I put it down to several factors, one being my introverted personality and two being that most people my age are already married with kids. It doesn’t help that the activity I enjoy, bushwalking, is mostly done by retirees. Not that they are not nice people, but they aren’t people I would hang out with.

I now know that I enjoy being in Asia a lot more compared to living in a predominantly white country. Singapore is not perfect (but really, no place is) but it’s still the place where I have the most emotional ties. And at the end of the day, it is the people who matter.

At 40, one also realises that life doesn’t always go according to plan or your wishes. So, of course I’ve had disappointments along my life’s journey. When I was younger, I thought I’d be married with kids by my early 30s. But that hasn’t happened for me. With each passing day, my biological clock is making it known that the possibility of motherhood is diminishing. True, advances in medical science have made it possible to have a child without a husband, but that’s just too tough and the pragmatic side of me would rather choose the carefree life of a singleton over being a single parent. Unfortunately, it’s a reality I have to accept. Still, I feel sad that there will never be something left of me when I eventually leave this Earth. I think I would have made a pretty cool parent; I would have liked to pass on the love of the outdoors, sports and books to my child(ren). It would also be nice to have a life companion but even that has remained out of my grasp. Again, maybe it’s just not meant to be. Is it possible to feel the loss of things one doesn’t have?

At the same time, I have come to realise that romantic love is not everything. Love sometimes cannot conquer all; love sometimes fails. Life can also be fulfilling as a single. On my recent Kyrgyzstan trip, several of us were single ladies within the age range of late 30s to early 60s. I felt honoured to go on this hiking trip with a bunch of adventurous women who were independent and strong. They lead fulfilling lives and careers as a medical doctor, social worker, teacher etc. We were out doing something with our lives and not just sitting around at home. I know a retiree in Hong Kong who is a single woman in her late 60s and always out honing her photography skills by taking lessons and going on photography trips. She has lots of friends, does volunteer work, and goes on many holidays to see more of the world. She is an inspiration. That’s the kind of retirement I want for myself.

Anyway, in my 40s I would like to continue seeing more of the world as that is one thing that really brings me joy. I want to spend more time with my family and friends back in Singapore. I have had enough time on my own for the past 10 years and think it’s now time to return home.

So, happy birthday to me and here’s to the fabulous 40s!