About 1.5 months ago I had suffered from a bout of existential crisis of sorts. I felt insignificant at work and in life. I didn’t feel good about myself and my ability to do my job. I was feeling anxious about my financial situation, worrying endlessly about whether I would have enough money for retirement. I was worried what I would do if I got retrenched from my job. I dreaded the thought that I might be in this same role for the next 20 years.

Like graduate analysts joining my team are literally half my age and in 20 years they will probably be my bosses. I’m still trying to figure out what else I can do or is this really it for me? I’m not in any kind of bad debt but perhaps due to some life events, I’m very insecure about money. And it’s affecting my ability to invest it in the way I should (as opposed to leaving it in cash and having inflation eat away at it). I get the concepts but find it hard to implement. But in doing that, it fuels my anxiety issues.

Apart from that, I was/am lost about my purpose in life. I think this comes more easily for people with children. Their purpose in life is clear – it’s their children and family’s well-being. I was thinking no one really depends on me for anything nor do I make any difference to anyone or any situation. I thought about how I would never be missed by anyone when I pass on and I wouldn’t be leaving any part of myself behind in the way of children or grandchildren. That still makes me a little sad.

So I started watching TED talks and other YouTube videos on motivation and purpose in life. One of the recommendations for self-help was to do some volunteer work, and so I started looking into what I could within my community. I also wanted to feel more connected to where I live and build a wider social network here.

I decided on being a volunteer tutor within the government’s Adult Migrant Education Program. What this entails is that I have to meet with a student for an online lesson for an hour a week to help them with conversational English. Students in the program are eligible for 500 hours of free English lessons. Apart from formal lessons with a teacher, the lessons with the volunteer tutor count towards those 500 hours. The government is very smart to make use of people’s good will so they don’t have to pay teachers to give formal lessons!!

Anyway I had to get a series of ID checks and a police clearance to become a volunteer tutor. I have been paired with a 34-year-old woman from China. She had just immigrated from Hong Kong where she lived for 10 years before moving to Sydney. She can manage a basic conversation but needs practice with listening and speaking.

She is obviously well-to-do as she told me she and her husband do not plan to work for the next three to four years. Good for them!

One question she asked me was why was I volunteering to be a tutor when there was no money to be made. She asked me what was I trying to get out of this; she couldn’t understand why people would volunteer.

I was surprised that she didn’t have that concept of giving in her mind. I tried to explain that people are community minded and want to help others; the idea of giving back to society. Perhaps having lived in a more money minded and fast-paced society like Hong Kong, she couldn’t grasp the concept of having the time or energy to help others.

I guess in a selfish way I’m doing it to make myself feel better. Though I can’t help but feel like I’d rather have been paired with someone who needed to use English more, e.g. to find a job. My student on the other hand can actually live in her ivory tower and do fine.

Anyhow, I’m still working through my issues on my own through reading books and just taking time to think through things. I had thought of seeking professional counseling services through my company’s employee assistance program which offers six free counseling sessions. However I’m still a little hesitant about that. Writing helps me but perhaps speaking to a professional might help more.

Meanwhile I’m committed to being a volunteer tutor for the next six months. Let’s see how we go!