No, not by a boyfriend (not that I have one to begin with), but by some bitch of a woman I work with in China. She has specifically said that she doesn’t want to work with me on the next project. My manager has since taken me off this project. This woman is notorious for being extremely difficult to work with. My manager and another colleague spent an afternoon having a meeting with her, and they came out of it agreeing with everyone else’s opinion of her. Much less me, who has had to work with her for the past two years! Argh. I feel indignant, ‘cos I should be the one doing the dumping, not her!!! It’s no love lost really, just wounded pride!
By right, I should be quite happy to have work taken off me, but I’m not. Not when it’s taken away like that. It’s one thing to say I’m too busy so I need to have the project taken off me, and another thing to have the project taken off me in such a manner.
I had a mid-year appraisal with my manager yesterday. It didn’t go too well as some negative things were pointed out. One was that I don’t display enough enthusiasm in taking up new responsibilities. I guess I could have exhibited more enthusiasm, but it’s difficult when faced with shitloads of work and a woman who drives you up the wall. I’m not exactly some meek and docile person and I have a fiery streak in me too. So it kinda made the relationship strained. Even my manager’s boss knows about it. Not good. Hmmm. So ok, I could have managed my temper better. But it’s not that I’ve ever flared up at her directly. I think we both just flare up behind each other’s backs and my Chinese colleagues (who are the account managers) get the brunt of it from both ends. I feel bad about it. But I’ve always apologised to my colleagues after my rants.
My manager said to me that he thinks we’re both motivated by the same thing when it comes to the work we do at our company–money. Very perceptive of him. We both are motivated by the comfortable life that money can provide. Not that I have a lot of moolah OK. One doesn’t earn very much in the type of work that I do, but it’s comfortable enough such that I don’t have to live from hand to mouth. So to achieve that end, we should try to do the best we can to help our colleagues in China so that they can sell the product we produce.
But all this just brings me back to the question of what I want to do with my life. I don’t want to be just motivated by money alone. OK, not that I absolutely hate whatever I’m doing now, but let’s just say it’s not my life’s ambition. There was a quote a friend sent me once about my profession. The quote by a famous person (can’t remember who) said that no child ever grew up wanting to be in the profession I am. And it’s true! So that’s quite depressing.
I know there’s something I’ve always wanted to do, but I lack the courage to try. It’d mean having to give up lots of things. Material things. I guess that’s the problem with humans–we grow attached to material things and comforts. We become prisoners to it and it stops us from moving forward and/or making changes. Hence I admire people who have made big career switches. Slumbering girl is one case in point and I really admire her for her bravery. Kudos to this sassy slumbering girl!
But I guess my manager’s right. Even if we’re not crazy about the job, at least do the best you can while you’re at it and look forward to that pot of gold, even if it’s the only motivating factor. And I’m going to be perfectly honest and say that money is important to me. I don’t come from a rich family and I know I definitely have to depend on myself to build up my retirement nest. I won’t be coming into any huge inheritance nor do I have some million dollar trust fund waiting for me. And I don’t want to end up having to work my butt off even when I’m terribly old and grey.
Another thing my manager said about me was that I tend to be too emotional. He cited an email I sent to someone which sounded snappish as I had written it while I was still feeling irritated. So I was advised to hold off on answering emails until I was calmer and more collected. I just don’t seem to have that kind of filter to filter out things which make me react so strongly. As my good friend, fatgirl, says of me, I leap before I think. Yes, I’m the type of person who lets my stupid heart rule my head and end up in sticky situations because of it! Sometimes, I put my foot in my mouth because I’m too quick to express my opinions.
At times, I really hate myself. Why must we grow up? Why is adulthood so difficult? Why do some people know what they want to do with their lives right from the very start? Why am I still searching? What am I searching for anyway? Why am I afraid of change, of risks? Why am I so emotional? Why was I born? Why am I ME?????